Feeling seen or feeling gotten is an amazing feeling of connectedness to another. It is the basis upon which trust flourish. It is a feeling of deep connection, a moment of presence received.
There’s nothing quite like it, is it? That feeling when you feel gotten by your lover … When things click and feel a deep sense of connection … When you seem to be on the same wavelength …
That wonderful feeling of being seen is certainly more art than science. It’s a special moment of spontaneity where love arises.
Although planning and spontaneity are incompatible, there are state of minds (like radical presence described below) and knowledge about your partner (such as learning their love language) that will help you deepen your connection and make your loved ones feel seen. This will also help illuminate what you might need from your partner in order to feel seen.
1. Radical Presence
To truly see someone, you have to let go of your programming about that person.
Let go of who you imagined them to be. Let go of your beliefs, assumptions and expectations of who you created in your mind this person to be. This person may have changed – as we do all the time – and you are holding on to the past by holding on to your idea of who this person is.
To love is to be sensitive to who and what is in front of you, in this moment. By practicing radical presence, being sensitive to what arise in the moment, you can give the gift of presence and attention to your loved one.
This presence, goes beyond active listening. It stems from a desire to connect deeply with who is in front of you.
This gift of love is the gift that empath give on a regular basis to the world at large. It can certainly be draining to be sensitive to the needs of others all the time, particularly if it comes at the expense of disconnecting from your own center, needs, and desires.
Radical presence is key. But be mindful of balancing sensitivity to others with sensitivity to self. Stated another way, be present with others but do not disregard your own inner voice.
A dance between presence with the outside world and your inner world is to be danced.
2. Learning Your Partner’s Love Language
How can we let the people in our lives know that we “get” them?
You might have grown up hearing the golden rule “treat others how you would like to be treated.” It turns out, this rule does not work as well as expected. Particularly in romantic relationships, where what we want might be complimentary, yet quite different from, what our partner wants.
To make someone feel seen, treat them the way they want to be treated.
There’s five love languages:
- Words of Affirmation (encourage, affirm, appreciate, empathize. Listen Actively).
- Quality Time (uninterrupted and focused one-on-one interactions).
- Acts of Service (Helping each others with needs, problems, chores …)
- Gifts (thoughtful gifts and gestures), and
- Physical Touch (body language and touch to express love).
You can learn more about the 5 love languages here. You can take tests to determine which is your “primary” love language (take the test here).
Full presence and learning what love really means to your partner (their love language) is what will make them feel seen.
We spend so much of our lives inside our own mind, our own body. To open up and share our experience with others is a vulnerable act.
To be met with sensitivity and understanding feels really good. This feeling of deep connection, when one feel seen is healing, calming, opens our hearts and deepen our connection to one another.
It is a feeling worth cultivating in oneself and others. It is a gift of presence, attention and sensitivity that we can offer to our loved ones at any time.
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