How many people do you know who seem to be “stuck” in situations they don’t really want? They feel trapped in bad marriages or relationships; jobs in which they are overworked, underpaid and undervalued; living situations that are far less than ideal; the list goes on. But rather than own their unhappiness and begin making changes for the better, they choose to stay in their misery even as they complain about it. They are walking through life disconnected from their true selves and their feelings.
Disconnecting from yourself means losing touch with your emotions, needs, body cues, values, or inner experience. It can happen as a coping strategy when life feels too painful, overwhelming, or demanding, but over time it can make it harder to know what you feel, want, or need.
| Form of disconnection | What it may look like | What reconnection may involve |
|---|---|---|
| Emotional disconnection | Feeling numb, flat, or unsure what you feel | Naming sensations, feelings, and needs in small steps |
| Body disconnection | Ignoring fatigue, tension, hunger, or stress signals | Tracking body cues without judgment |
| Relational disconnection | Performing closeness while feeling unseen | Practicing more honest communication and boundaries |
| Values disconnection | Living on autopilot or only meeting expectations | Revisiting what matters and choosing one aligned action |
Frequently Asked Questions About Disconnecting From Yourself
What does it mean to disconnect from yourself?
It means becoming less aware of your emotions, needs, body signals, or values. You may function outwardly while feeling numb, detached, or unsure who you are internally.
Why do people disconnect from themselves?
People may disconnect to survive stress, trauma, conflict, grief, burnout, or chronic pressure. The disconnection may have helped at one point, but it can become costly if it keeps you away from your own experience.
How do I reconnect with myself?
Start gently. Notice one body cue, one emotion, or one preference each day. Reconnection usually works better as a steady practice than as a demand to suddenly know everything you feel.
Can therapy help with emotional numbness or disconnection?
Yes. Therapy can help you safely notice feelings, understand protective patterns, process experiences that made disconnection necessary, and build a more grounded relationship with yourself.
Perhaps you’re in one or more of these situations yourself. Either you feel locked into an unhappy situation, or maybe you feel nothing in particular—just a lack of emotion or motivation.
Why Disconnection From Yourself Happens
There can be many specific psychological reasons why we find ourselves in these situations, but they point to a widespread problem in our culture: we have an uncanny ability to disconnect from ourselves and our feelings. Our subconscious contains a powerful mechanism that allows us to create distance from our own feelings, emotions, and desires for long periods of time. The problem is that those emotions never go away—they just get buried deep in our psyche and fester there unresolved. Left unaddressed, they can lead to a wide range of complications ranging from chronic illness to depression or sometimes even explosive breakdowns.
Why We Disconnect
If this tendency is so dangerous and potentially harmful to us, why does our subconscious create this disconnect so easily? It’s likely an evolutionary trait initially designed for our survival. To illustrate, let’s compare it to another evolutionary trait—the fight-or-flight instinct.
In times of acute stress, our bodies and minds react with an injection of hormones that give us a burst of energy. We call this the fight-or-flight instinct because it’s designed to help us detect danger and rescue ourselves from it fast. But when these stress hormones keep getting triggered and released over long periods of time (as so often happens in our modern world), it results in chronic stress, which can lead to a burnout, anxiety, depression and all sorts of long-term health problems.
By the same token, we likely developed the “disconnect” instinct as a mechanism to protect us from emotional trauma. It causes our minds in extreme situations to “block out” traumatic or painful events like abuse. Our mind is effectively putting a guard on itself to maintain sanity. But like the fight-or-flight instinct, when the disconnect instinct gets repeatedly triggered by lower-key events, we begin a more consistent pattern of emotional suppression, losing touch with our true selves in the process. At best, it leaves us feeling chronically unhappy or numb. At worst, it can lead to serious physical and mental issues.
What Is Causing the Disconnect?
Why does this disconnect mechanism seem to be operating on overload with so many of us these days? Like anything else, there’s not just one reason—but let’s look at a few common triggers:
- Cultural norms, pressures, and expectations. Society has a tendency to pressure us into pursuing or accepting certain things out of a sense of duty. We work a 9-to-5 job we hate because we’re expected to—because we’re supposed to make money, and besides, everyone supposedly hates their job. We date because society says we need a mate in order to be happy—and we settle for bad relationships because we think we don’t deserve better. We let our culture decide what’s best for us instead of looking inward, so our personal desires and passions take a back seat.
- Childhood trauma and/or abuse. Sometimes the disconnect mechanism kicks in to protect us if we’re dealing with a PTSD, and we never learn how to turn it off when we get older.
- Complications from other disorders. People on the autism or Asperger’s spectrum, for example, may have a natural difficulty connecting with or expressing their emotions.
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The Dangers of Living in a Disconnected State
People can live for many years in this place of inner disconnectedness without showing any outward symptoms other than a lack of passion. However, studies have shown that repressed emotion can be linked to a wide range of physical and mental health complications in the long run. The list includes:
- Depression and anxiety
- Low self-esteem
- Memory issues
- High blood pressure
- Diabetes
- Increased aggression
- Obesity
- Suppressed immune system
- Digestive issues
- Fibromyalgia
- Fatigue, loss of energy
- …and more.
When this emotional disconnect is particularly severe, mental health experts may diagnose the issue as Emotional Detachment Disorder (EDD), marked by a noted inability to express emotions. Obviously, not everyone who struggles with self-disconnectedness classifies as EDD, but a therapist may recommend specific types of treatment if the symptoms present themselves.
Getting Help
Most people who feel out of touch with themselves and their feelings didn’t get there overnight. Being disconnected became second nature over a long period of time. Reconnecting with those emotions can be a long process. You may not want to go through it alone. Whether you are experiencing detectable health issues or you just feel chronically unhappy or passionless, one great way to reverse this sense of disconnectness is by talking regularly with a therapist who can serve as a guide. The process can be painful at times—especially when you begin experiencing emotions you haven’t felt for some time. But the good news is that learning to reconnect with your true self can lead to a much happier, more fulfilling life on the other side.
Start Therapy for Disconnection and Emotional Numbness
Our compassionate and skilled therapists at Manhattan Mental Health Counseling are ready to help you explore the depths of your emotional well-being. We prioritize easy access for our clients and accept a wide range of insurance plans.
Can’t make it into our office for in-person appointments? No problem. We are more than happy to provide online sessions in the comfort of your own home.
Contact us today by calling 212-960-8626 or by filling out our online contact form.
About the author: Natalie Buchwald, LMHC-D, is the Founder and Founding Clinical Chair of Manhattan Mental Health Counseling.